The Hag Detective
by Miz-KTakase
Summary: Kikuko, er, Detective Hilda Harlow, offers my assistance in her grueling case of her career - a murder case! The Hag really knows how to talk her way into becoming a great detective. Featuring characters from K-On, and a surprise special guest at the end. Rated T for mild violence and sexual themes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAG! I mean, KIKUKO!


**_(Narrated by Me)_**

* * *

_On a typical day in the smoky offices of many detectives, I stumbled onto the office of one of the great detectives, Miss Hilda Harlow. The door of the detective reads "Detective Hilda Harlow – Private Eye… … …and also Ears, Nose, and Throat."_

_As I step into the office, there stood a beautiful girl in a black dress, with long gray hair, an eyepatch, and-. Why, it's Kikuko Hattori, our resident geriatric otaku._

Kikuko said, as she was in her desk, "Wait a minute, Miz-K! You've been giving me that same corny introduction for years. You listen to me. The name's Harlow. Hilda H. Harlow. Triple H for short."

_Uh, that's a WWE reference, Kikuko._

"Shut up!" She said, "This is serious, Miz! I'm a private eye. I live a fast and dangerous life. Maybe I come through… maybe I don't…"

_Eh, who are you trying to kid? You're the Hag!_

"SHUT UP, MIZ-K! The name's Hilda Harlow! You don't believe me? Why don't you tag me, 24 hours? Matter of fact, you should've done that, last night."

She sat up and walked to the file cabinet, "Anyways, I was busy on my recent case."

She opened the drawer and showed a girl in brown hair, done in puffy pigtails, lying down, dead. She explained, "This, my boy, is my recent case – _The Case of the Sewer Girl_."

_Sewer Girl? She was in a sewer?_

"Actually, a pub, and she drink ale too much. What a sewer she was in. She was no lady."

She closed the file, as the phone rang. She said, "Wait a minute, Miz. You can never tell who might be on the other end."

She brandished a gun and reached for the phone. She put on a white glove and answered the phone with the gloved hand, "Hello?"

The chief called, "Harlow, we got a beat for you. We got a score in 210 Gaby Street. Be on your toes and-! WAIT A MINUTE! DON'T SHOOT!"

**BANG!  
**"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" The chief dies from a gunshot, as Kikuko hangs up. She dashes off and said, "This is bad. I better investigate. And you're coming with me, Miz. You want to see a detective really operate, then come along. But remember, you go at your own risk."

_Risk?! HAH! Who are you trying to scare, Hag?_

"HILDA!" Kikuko barked, "NOT HAG!"

She left, as I, Miz-K Takase, followed her to 210 Gaby Street.

* * *

_We arrived at 210 Gaby Street, as Kikuko was near the front door._

"Alright, lad." She said, "I'll show you how to get into a house. _Any _house. All you gotta do is used the right approach."

She rang the doorbell and said, "And listen, Miz, if you want to trail me, stay in character. Pull your hat down."

I pulled down towards my eyes, but she barked, "Too far. Leave room for your eyes."

The door opened, as a girl in long gray hair, tan skin, and a blue tuxedo appeared. Kikuko said, "Excuse me, milady. We're from the Electric Light Company."

Sakurako smiled, "How nice."

Kikuko said, "We would like to examine your meter."

Sakurako said, "Oh, that's fine. But unfortunately, I cannot let you in, because the meter is out back, outside, near the porch." She then roared to Miz-K, "AND I DON'T LIKE DICKS!"

**POW!  
**_OOOH!_**  
**I was knocked out by Sakurako's punch, as Kikuko groaned, "Miz… Get up, will you?"

_OW! My nose! That hag knows how to punch. My nose is bleeding._

"Next time, keep your eyes open. I'll try again."

She put on some glasses and a mustache, as she said, "That way, she won't recognize me."

She rang the doorbell, and Sakurako appeared, wearing the same glasses and mustache. Kikuko asked, "Where's that other woman?"

Sakurako said, "She just left." She then gave her a meter and said, "In the meantime, here's that meter you wanted to check. Good day."

She slammed the door, as Kikuko threw the meter down.

_Hag, I thought you said you could get in this place!_

"Alright… It looks like I'll have to use the direct approach. I'll play rough!"

She slammed her fists on the door. Sakurako answered, and Kikuko walked in, grabbing her clothes.

"Listen, you bloody troglodyte, there's nobody going to keep me from this house, you understand?"

Sakurako wept, "Yes, ma'am. But I don't care if you come in…"

Kikuko said, "Well, who's in charge here?"

A woman's voice called, "I am."

A beautiful woman in long black hair, a black dress, and huge breasts, walked in, as Kikuko muttered, "Ugh… Gyp."

The woman said, "You're Hilda Harlow, correct? My name's Mio Stelar. It's my husband, Geo Stelar, the Mega Magnate. He's been murdered."

_Murdered?!_

"He is pretty? I mean, was he rich?" Kikuko asked.

Mio blushed, "Would you care to examine the body?"

"Uh, no! Let's examine your husband. Where is he?"

"Over there."

Kikuko heads to the room, as Mio smiles, "Hello."

_I ogle at Mio, looking at her voluptuous body. She reminds me of the perfect woman in black hair and alabaster skin. And from her boobs, they are round, firm, and-._

"MIZ-K!" Kikuko yelled.

_AHEM! Yes?_

"Pervert!" She barked, "Now focus!"

_Coming, chief._

Kikuko and I found the body, as he was lying dead on the ground. Kikuko sobbed, "Why couldn't it have been the chick that died?"

Mio asked, "What's that?"

Kikuko said, "I mean, what could've happened to have died?"

"Well, just last night, he wanted to borrow one of my CDs, and there he was."

"LAST NIGHT?!" Kikuko examined the body, as she said, "You mean, it happened last night, and you didn't tell anybody?"

Mio cries, as Kikuko scolded her, "Alright, you! Why did you do it?"

Mio pleaded, "But I didn't kill him! The sight of blood scares me! And I saw it last night, and I fainted. Geo died in this room, and I passed out from blood. I could not wake up, as I was lifeless and still… No man can marry me now… Geo's my 5th husband, this year, and I am a hot piece! You must believe me!"

Kikuko said, "Alright. Alright, calm down. I'm sure you didn't do it. Even so, no one would be weak enough to kill." She said to me, "Miz-K, you cannot believe her as a suspect. She wouldn't hurt a dragonfly. But _someone _must've done it." She turned to Mio and said, "Were there any secret passages?"

Mio said, "I don't think so." She then pondered, "But… In this cabinet! Right there!"

Kikuko examined the cabinet door, and opened it. Suddenly, a male body fell from the cabinet and fell to the floor. Kikuko peeked in, and then another male body fell. Kikuko slowly went inside, as she found a secret passage, full of gunpowder and TNT.

Kikuko cried, "SHOCK! Put out that cigarette, Miz! This is a Powder Room!"

_Hag, you know I never smoke!_

"Well, don't light a fuse or anything! Follow me!" She found a stairway heading down, and shushed, "Now, be very quiet. WHOA!"

She tripped and stumbled down the stairs, landing onto the floor. She arrived at the door, and exited through, into a small hallway. Kikuko looked around and gasped, "OH!" She viewed a room, which is a huge studio casino.

_What's the matter?_

"This is Sawa-Chan's joint!"

_Sawako the Sizzler?_

"Yeah. Sawa will know who killed Geo. Come on."

We walked down the room, as we head to the door of Sawako Yamanaka, a.k.a. Sawako the Sizzler. Kikuko runs into a girl in cat ears and black hair, carrying a vendor of cigarettes, as she asked, "Eh, pardon me, ma'am. Where is Sawako the Sizzler?"

"In her office, that way, nya."

Kikuko smiled, as Azusa left. She halted her and cried, "Hey, wait a minute! I remember you! _Nine-Live Azusa_. What are you doing here?"

"I'm Mio Stelar's best friend. Mio-senpai lost her husband, nya." She explained, "And _someone _has to pay her bills. And hiring a detective is too expensive. So, I work as a cigarette girl, nya. Meow? Nya-nya, nya. Purrrrrr…"

She meowed, and then hissed, "Hag." She walked off, as Kikuko was appalled.

She turned to me and said, "Miz-K, back me up!"

She walked off, as I pleaded, "_Aw, Kiku-, Hilda, don't you think we oughta mind our own business?_"

She shushed me and said, "Shh!" She bust through the door and yelled, "ALRIGHT, SAWAKO! Stay where you are! The jig is up!"

Sawako, a woman in long brown hair and glasses, wearing a black suit, said, "Well, if it isn't Old Hag Harlow. Funny meeting you here, copper."

"I got a question for you, Sawa-chan." Kikuko asked her, "Who killed Geo Stelar, the Mega Magnate?"

Sawako got up and held a gun at her, "I ain't talking, copper! Shove off!"

A bookie called, "HEY! Sawako!" She added, "You better beat it! Tsukimi's Boys are here, looking for you!"

Sawako panicked, "Tsukimi's boys?! What are they doing on the east side?"

A few girls walked in, as the leading girl was in long red hair and an ample bust, with a blue and white outfit on. She barked at Sawako, "Now, listen, Yamanaka, I'm giving you a friendly warning! Cease your extreme cosplay on the girls, or I'll plug you!"

"Give me a break, ladies!" Sawako sobbed.

Futaba said, "And furthermore, lay off the panty racket, ya hear? That's _our _beat!"

"I'll lay off! Anything you say!" Sawako whimpered, "Please don't plug me, Futaba! I want to marry someone before I die, anyone while I am still in my 30s! Anything! Don't plug me! Give me a break!"

Futaba roared, aiming a gun at her, "GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND BEG, YAMANAKA!"

Sawako was on her knees, as she bawled, "I'll do anything! Don't-! Don't rub me out! I'll do as you say! Please, don't rub me out!"

She spat the ground, as she put the gun away. She smirked, "Let's go, girls."

She and her crew left, as Kikuko was shocked. But this was her chance to get answers. She approached Sawako and said, "Alright, Sawako, tell me who the killer is, and where is he? I want a name. Who bumped off Geo Stelar? ARE YOU GONNA SING, or am I gonna work you over?"

"NO, I've had enough of this! I'll sing! I'll sing!" Sawako wailed.

Kikuko smirked, "Right, let's get down to business, ya rat! Who is it?"

Sawako said, "I don't remember, but I know where she is."

"She? She's killed Geo Stelar?"

"Yes."

Kikuko grabbed her breasts and said, "I'll torture you, like this!" She turned to me and said, "I learned this from Yamabuki." She groped on her and barked, "NOW, WHERE IS THE MURDERER?"

"OH! AH!" She moaned erotically, "IN THE… THE BAR! THE KILLER'S IN THE BAR!"

"Here?" Kikuko whispered, "A break!" then Kikuko yelled, "Who is it?"

"The blonde!"

"WHICH blonde? Akari the Canary?"

"NO!"

"Ritsu the Recyclable?"

"NO! Blonder than that!"

"Venus the Verily?!"

"THE UGLY BLONDE!"

Kikuko gasped, "NO! Not…"

Sawako nodded, as Kikuko let go. She whispered, "Mugi the Brow!"

_Mugi the B-B-B-Brow?_

"Yeah." She said, as I panicked in fright, "Alright, alright, stop shaking! Courage, lad! Courage! I still got my two-way wrist radio."

She held up her radio and responded. But…

"_You have been listening to Spiritual Noir on WKON-AM. Brought to you by Koneco Bread, the ONLY bread made with pure powdered sugar._"

Kikuko turned it off and whispered, "Wrong channel." She got the right channel and called, "Hello, Ma? Come in, Ma! Yes, Masatoki, I won't be home for dinner. As a matter of fact, I won't be home, at all… Well, I may not _be_ home. Over and out."

She said to me, "Come on."

We arrived at the bar, as a man in a bartender's suit with red hair said, "What'll it be, Gramma?"

Kikuko barked, "Give me a glass of whiskey! And one for Mugi the Brow!"

Everyone gasped, as Ginti asked, "Mugi the Brow? That's my wife!"

He gave her a shot glass, as she said, "Yes. …that is, if she cares to drink with me."

She waited, as a girl in long blonde hair and thick eyebrows appeared. She was sitting next to Kikuko, as she asked, "Were you looking for me?"

Kikuko asked her, "Are you Mugi the Brow?"

"NO!" Mugi said, "Mugi the Blob!"

"Look, Blob!" Kikuko aimed her gun at Mugi and said, "I know you killed Geo Stelar, the Mega Magnate, now come clean!"

Mugi aimed her gun at her and cried, "OH, YEAH?"

They stared down, as Kikuko said, "Don't make me shoot you. Put it away or I'll shoot you full of holes! PUT IT AWAY!"

**BANG!  
**Mugi was shot in the face, but was grazed in her eyebrows, knocking them off. Mugi gasped, "OH! My eyebrows!"

Kikuko held her pistol and smiled, "Blob, I'm taking you in for the murder of Geo Stelar, the Mega Magnate!" She then asked, "Wait… Why are you called Mugi the Blob?"

Mugi was moaning, "Well, you see… When both my eyebrows are removed at the same time, I melt away into a blob form." She slowly melted, as she slurred, "And as for the murder, I'm sorry… but Stelar and his wife were blackmailing me for my husband's riches… and it's the same type… of… fortune… that Mio… wnnnntrrrrrr… I'mmmmm srrrrrrrrrrr… rrrrrr… glaaaaaab… Brrrrrrub… murrrrrrrrrrrburrrrrrrrrrr…"

She melted into a pile of gelatinous goo, with her face and smile intact, and her eyes open. Her body was oozing out a little white pus from below. Ginti sobbed, "No… Mugi?"

Mugi gurgled, "Ginti… I… love… yo-…"  
**PLOP!**  
A small bubble burbled up, and Mugi suddenly turned into a mound of gel.

Ginti gasped, "Mugi! No… She's gone…"

Kikuko smirked, "A job well done, I might say."

Ginti barked, "BOYS! GET HER! KILL THAT MURDERING HAG!"

A group of men grabbed onto her and started to beat down and punch Kikuko, in a huge brawl. Kikuko was being pummeled by every man in the bar, and they were being knocked out in each punch and kick, by me, of course. Every hit I made was landed to each bar patron, and they were knocked out, one by one. After the men were knocked out, Ginti sighed, as he held up a shovel and scooped up the blob-like Mugi into a glass container. He sighed, as he carried her away, "I lose more _Instant Wives_, that way."

As Ginti departed, Kikuko emerged from the scuffle, unscathed. She turned to me and hissed, "Miz-K, get down from there! We have to go back to the office, right away! There's _one _missing link in this case."

_Missing link?_

Kikuko departed, as I got off the chandelier and followed her.

* * *

At a small crime lab, Kikuko was placing the items down, examining the case of Geo Stelar's murder.

"So, Mugi the Blob, more like Mugi the Puddle, is the murderer in the Geo Stelar case… We have the gun… which is the murder weapon… We have the fingerprints, blood test, beard check… No, not beard check."

She turned to the small computer, as I stepped in.

_So, Hilda, you finally have everything that connects, do you? You are looking for ONE missing link, but sadly… YOU haven't stumble onto it, Hag!_

I picked up the gun and aimed it at Kikuko. She gasped, "Miz-K, put the gun down. You can't get away with it! Crime never pays! Put that gun away, Miz-K! You'll fry for it!"

_You got too smart, didn't you, Kikuko? Well, there's a place for smart girls like you, Miss Detective Dick!_

"Put that gun down!" Kikuko went to the phone, "I mean it! Lad, please! I can't let you get away with it! I'm calling the police, Miz-K! I'm gonna do it!"

_Put down that phone, Kikuko!_

"TOO LATE! I'm doing it to you, Miz-K!"

_And I'm doing it to you, Kikuko!_

"No! Miz, wait, no! NO!"

**BANG!  
**I fired at Kikuko's chest, killing her. She dropped to the desk, phone in hand, as she was bleeding from her wound. She sat up, as I left, as she was croaking in her final words…

"Hello… Police… I… This is Harlow… I want you… to cancel my two tickets to the Policeman's Ball… URK!"

She landed on the desk and made a death rattle. Kikuko Hattori is dead… … …killed by yours truly.

* * *

Kikuko was lying in a detective's desk, as she was snoozing. A man in black hair and a mustache appeared, in a dark blue suit, and he called, "KIKUKO!"

She woke up, as the detective asked, "Why are you sleeping in my desk?"

Kikuko moaned, "Oh, sorry… I must've overslept, after cleaning your office, Detective Moore. I'll straighten it up-."

Richard Moore boomed, "Never mind, stupid! And get these buckets out of here!"

Kikuko saluted, as she said, "Yes, sir. Yes, Detective Moore." She grabbed her bucket and mop and left the office, frantically bowing to the detective.

She left through the door and sighed, "Phew… What a dream…" She explained to the 4th wall, "You know, I had a weird dream. I dreamt that I was a famous detective… and I was killed by… the author. And Sakurako was there… and Tea Time, and MegaStar, and Ginti… but it felt so real…"

She smiled and sighed, "Oh, well. One can dream."

Suddenly, Mugi appeared, as she asked Kikuko, "Excuse me, is this the office of the famous Detective Richard Moore?"

Kikuko smiled, "Yes, I'm a part-timer. He just came back, step right in."

Mugi stepped inside, as Kikuko sighed. But suddenly, she remembered Mugi, who was the same Mugi the Blob in her dream. She slapped herself, thinking it was all a dream. Turns out, it wasn't.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading!_**


End file.
